The situation: You’re at a work party, laughing, socializing…having a good time. And, man, are you charming! People are in stitches, you’re telling tall tales of climbing Mount Everst with no shoes and personally choosing the font for the Constitution (Silly Trudeau wanted Ariel). One witty comment after another. While in conversation with a group talking about the differences in male and female public bathrooms, you pipe in with “But what do you do if you’re a hermaphrodite? Some of us have it so hard” The group looks at you, seeming slightly confused. However, sensing an audience, you continue. You tell stories of how difficult it can be know what clothing department to shop in, you know, being a hermaphrodite. You laugh about how life is hard when you are from Mars AND Venus. You leave the party content. You are hilarious! The next day, a co-worker calls you into his office and with a concerned look, awkwardly brings up the fact that you are a hermaphrodite. You are flabbergasted: how could people not realize you were joking?

So what do you do when a joke goes horribly horribly wrong?

The solution: The first option you have is to straight out deny, however, this often comes across as if you got something to hide. Or in this case, two sets of things to hide.

A second option is to roll with it. Benefit from this mishap by taking this opportunity to get your own washroom a la Costanza! Start an advocacy group for Hermaphrodite. Speak out! Perhaps you could get a little slice of the charity pie from that Jolie fool. Now that’s pretty tasty!

The situation: Walking may seem like just an archaic form of transportation to some, but we here at the JSA know that walking is also a way to strut one’s style. What we mean is that the way one walks is an indication of their true self, the beast within (eat that, Freud). For example, men who walk with an exaggerated arm swing and an overly large step are likely those with issues concerning their southern regions. Think of the walking equivalent of a dude with a hummer…with spinning rims …pumping out some C+C music factory. Or, take those people who don’t walk, rather they glide. Each step seems to be as if they stepped on a bed of marshmallows with a level of grace only equaled by the fancy footwork of Tom Jones. This walk indicates that this person must be involved in the black arts because it is unusual to be as graceful as Tom Jones. Perhaps the most devious and awkward of all walking types is the slow walker. These people, demonstrating their callous character, walk at their own pace with no respect for the appropriately speeded walker behind them. They are likely the same kind of people who eat someone’s jellybeans and leaves only the black ones. One of the most awkward and irritating situations that can occur on a street is getting stuck behind a slow walker. There is evidence that such a situation can actually release anger steam from one’s ears (you know what we are talking about).

So, what do you do when you are stuck behind a slow walker?

The solution:
First, you may say “Oh JSA, are you a bunch of senile old hags? You wrote about this in situation #20, the sidewalk shuffle” To you, we respond, Nay. Slow walkers cannot be handled as street dancers/shufflers. Street dancers are just confused souls. These two are different breeds and must be treated accordingly.

Now, to get around those heartless slow walkers, there are both general and specific solutions. The following solutions may seem cruel hearted, but we are dealing with a malicious population here. The punishment must fit the crime.

For a specific solution, suss out the slower walker. Let’s say the slow walker is a club-goin’, Jay-Z listenin’ dude wearing those weird Kanye West Venetian blind glasses. From behind, pretend to talk on your phone (the ever-awkward-saving tool) and loudly exclaim “Serious! There is a sale on gold necklaces with really big dollar sign emblems? Man, I just past that store a block back!” This will result in your slow walker doing the turnaround and booking it to the location of your mentioned “sale” and, thus, getting out of your way. Tailor this approach for specific slow walkers by deleting ‘gold necklaces with really big dollar sign emblems’ and insert whatever hot commodity fits said slow walker.

A more general approach would be to just yell fire. That’ll get ‘em moving.

1) you are talking about someone and don’t realize that person is standing behind you.

The soloosh depends on how much detail you’ve gone into. If you were just saying something general like “You know who I really can’t stand? That Lester von Shottenberg the Third.” then you can get off the hook with a simple “Oh, you thought I was talking about you? I was talking about another Lester von Shottenberg the Third. What a douche bag!” Of course this is much more effective if your friends have common palendromic names like Anna or Bob or Otto.

Perhaps, you didn’t stop there, and went into more detail about your dislike for Lester von Shottenberg the Third. “Can you believe he tried to pass off some Australian swill as port? Everyone knows that the only acceptable port comes from the Douro Valley in the northern provinces of Portugal. What a poseur!”

The only way to get out of this is to step up the insults to a preposterous level and then turn around and exclaim “You got PUNK’D Bra!!” We advise you to be less annoying than Ashton Kutcher when doing so, lest you get into further awkwardness.

2) you part ways with someone, for example after getting off the elevator when leaving work, then realize you are both headed the same way.

The soloosh: Goodbyes are contractually binding statements and must be treated as such. After you have said goodbye, you can no longer speak to each other, and must treat your elevator companion as a leprotic David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

3) you respond to someone who you think is talking to you, then realize that person is on the phone.

The soloosh: Assuming you don’t know this person, and are walking along a city street, then you have two options:

1.Pretend that you are also speaking into an earpiece. This will make you appear very very important, so it is essential that the next things you say include the words forthwith, heretofore and thusly. To cap it off, end with the phrase “I’ll shuffle some things around and pencil you in for next Wednsday. I’ll have Enrico give you a call.”

2. If you’ve said “Hello” to the person, then this provides a nice segue for you to act as if you were singing that popular Lionel Richie song of the 80s. You must now make this song part of your regular morning walk to work routine, until you become known as the Lovable Lionel Richie Singing Man, everyone’s favourite Street Crazy. It is indeed you he’s looking for!

]]> http://journalofsocialawkwardness.wordpress.com/2008/08/18/got-a-sitch-3-dont-speak-we-know-just-what-youre-saying/feed/ 4 journal of social awkwardness http://journalofsocialawkwardness.wordpress.com/2008/08/15/situation-31-you-just-dont-get-it/ http://journalofsocialawkwardness.wordpress.com/2008/08/15/situation-31-you-just-dont-get-it/#comments Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:02:00 +0000 journal of social awkwardness http://journalofsocialawkwardness.wordpress.com/?p=153 ]]> The situation: You and a friend are discussing the poetic nuances of the latest Pussycat Dolls hit, “When I grow up.” You assert that rhyming “nameless” with “name is” is nothing short of lyrical genius. Your friend counters that the words “genius” and Pussycat Dolls should not be used in the same sentence without the inclusion of the words “lack of”. You agree to disagree and move on to other matters of great importance.

Somewhere in the midst of this conversation, your friend casually tosses out a rather controversial statement, assuming (incorrectly) that you share her opinion on a divisive issue.

“Of course pirates are totally cooler than ninjas. You know how it is, right?”

Tread carefully here, Reader! Do not fall into the trap of the rhetorical “you know how it is, right?” This is not an invitation for you to explain that actually, you have no idea how it is, and in fact, you disagree entirely with everything she’s just said. The only socially acceptable answer to a rhetorical “you know how it is, right?” is a nod of the head and an “mmm hmmm” or possibly an “Amen, Sistah!” should you choose to agree in a more emphatic manner.

You don’t want to get into a whole debate about the relative merits of pirates and ninjas with your friend; you just want to escape from this conversational minefield with your loyalty to ninjas intact. However, you also don’t want to give your friend the impression that you totally agree that pirates are “totally cooler than ninjas.” This could lead to further awkwardness when your friend invites you to “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Johnny Depp Wears Even More Eyeliner, Savy?” and you have to awkwardly decline. So, what do you do?

The solution: When you don’t want to agree with someone and are too lazy to have the debate that will inevitably follow from your disagreement, the best thing to do is this: Change the topic with a smooth conversational segue into a piece of pop culture trivia.

“Ah, speaking of ninjas, did you know that the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons was done by the actor who played Uncle Phil on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air?”

Now, not only are you out of conversational hot water, your friend will admire your vast knowledge of early 90s television trivia.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1826271

The sitch:

“I need some advice for this terribly awkward situation many of us find ourselves in at a live music show…The band starts busting out a very “dance-able” tune. It takes you a couple minutes to get into it…sip your beer and drop a couple comments about how awesome the song is to your buddy. You’re groovin with hands in the pockets..little head bobbin’..scopeing out the dance floor and contemplating movement towards it. You finally decide to make the move..you strut to to the floor…and start “full-motion-hands-out-of-pocket” dancing…(now here’s the awkward part)…only a couple beats into your “dance”…you’re feelin’ it..it’s happening..and then suddenly song ends and you’ve been on the dance floor for like 5 seconds. This situation has the potential to amplify into an even more awkward situation if the next song they play is slow, and you don’t want to dance, but also, don’t want to leave because you just came on.

everyone is watching…what do you do…what do you do??!”

The soloosh:

The soloosh to this particular problem will depend on the type of show you’re at. Lucky for you, dear Reader, we have a few pieces of advice tailored to your tunes.

1. Rap concert: First, turn to the guy standing next to you and say “Can you believe that Fiddy Cent got shot NINE times?!!” Even though this is a well known fact, it is always a good ice-breaker amongst rap fans. Next, you can use this moment of silence as an opportunity to showcase your beat boxing skills for a captive audience.

2. Phish reunion concert: Heed the popular, if cheesy maxim “Dance like no one is watching” because no one is actually watching you. Everyone else is too stoned to care that you’re dancing after the song has stopped, so keep flailing those hippie arms like the wacky waving inflatable arm guy of used car dealership fame. We can see how beautiful your aura is when you dance!

3. Indie rock show (not concert, show!): Choosing to dance at all was your first mistake. In fact, even showing up was risking a little too much enthusiasm for a band that will be too mainstream as of tomorrow. You may as well be wearing a Coldplay T-shirt. However, you can still recover your indie cred with the following simple steps. First, cross your arms at your chest and cultivate a look indifferent dissatisfaction. How dare Caribou stop playing just as you were getting into the song? Now turn to the person on your left and give them a good pre-emptive visual judging. Look them over slowly as if to say “Nice pants. Where’d you get them? American Apparel?”

The solution : First, there is a high probability the wearer may be Joey Lawrence as he did sport this look many times during his Blossom years, so check that out first. If this is the case, the best way to greet him is with a “Whoa”.

If not, then we must turn to the eternal advice of woman’s magazine cover lines: “find out everything you need to know from a mans shoes” (This is most likely under “10 ways to pleasure your lover… with household appliances”). This means, if this business top-party bottom wearer is sporting some sneakers, chest bump away! See some business shoes? Shake the hand and comment on the stock market.

*we know some of our readers need their informational thirst quenched, so sqrt(212)=14.56. This beverage is on the house.

hey! i had 2 suggestions for you.
1. When you are out with your parents or family and run into a drunk and rambunctious group of your friends. AWKWARD. this also works if you are drunk and forced to meet important people.

Soloosh: The Ann Landers in us wants to tell you to get some damn sober friends! Are these really the type of people you wish to associate with, young lady? Remember, you are judged by the company you keep. It’s always prudent to foster a favourable impression with those who may one day have to help you with rent.

However, as your drunk friends we offer you the following advice:

1. Make slurring the new slang! In order to convince your parents that your friends are not really drunk (or crunk, for that matter) you will have to incorporate their slurred speech into your new vocabulary. Next time you answer the phone, instead of asking your friends “whazzzz up?”, ask them “shooooooooowsiiiiiiiiiiiiit goinnnnnnnnnn braaaaaugh?”

2. Blame your friends’ behaviour on rap music. Fiddy Cent (or Fifty for the Pronunciation Police)’s official job in life is to be punished for our sins. He’s a modern day Jesus. Seriously. The guy’s been shot nine times. NINE TIMES!

2. When you start talking about how much you like the backstreet boys and realize you are in a group of spice-girl fans…..

To deal with this specific problem, we recommend that you break out into the Backstreet Boys’ infectious hit “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” including the patented dance moves. You know the ones we’re talking about, the limp Thriller-like wrists and zombie walk. This song and dance is so contagious that everyone else will be forced to join in, just like the chorus compels them to. “Everybody. Yeah-ah. Rock your body. Yeah-ah.” Before long, the only spice they’ll be interested in is cardamom!

The solution – there are a few options in this situations, but few let us discuss those solutions that may appear helpful, but have dire consequences.

1.) many will think saying “I am so full, I couldn’t possibly take a bite” will do the trick, however, this will most likely result in an never-ending back and forth of:

“oh, come on, just try a bite”

“but I am so full”.

Getting out of this is more difficult than getting out of a “I know you are but what am I?” situation.

2.) Many will also think they can be sneaky by claiming some of sort allergy to the barf-like dessert, but this is a solution only for Costanza-like individuals: those that have the superhuman ability to keep a lie going on for years…and years.

So, the best solution is:

Suck it up and take one tiny bite. Do the mandatory inquistive yum. Then, look at your host and ask “This is great, does this dessert, perchance, have any flour in it (or insert any obvious ingredient)?” The host will respond “why yes, dear dessert eater.” To which you respond: “Oh. Well it is so so delicous, but I recently made a promise to myself. And that promise was to only eat fair trade flour. You see, those poor flour-workers have such terrible work conditions, immune and gastrointenstional problems from their work, that I have made a vow to only eat fair-trade. I’m sorry, but perhaps you could give me the recipe? So Delicious!”

Now, you come across as noble because you care about those poor flour workers and you have not insulted your host by refusing to ingset the barf-like substance in front of you. Success!

Note: this solution will most likely not work if you are dining with hippies because everything will be fair-trade and organic.

The solution: An obvious solution is to have a sackful of generic names : buddy (best if pronounced bahhhhh-dee), pal, duder, man, home slice, road dawg, etc. This can be extremely helpful in dire situations; however, someone with Jesus-like intelligence or Waldo-like mystery may be able to see through it. So, here are some additional pointers:

1.) you cannot tell them they look like Jesus. As much as you think your insight is so original, they have heard it before and likely do not want to hear it again.

2.) if you see the person infrequently, then you can give a personalized nickname to them based on something in that moment. For instance, if they are drinking a slurpee, give them a “how’s it going, slurpee-man?” This may appear annoying, but not awkward and less transparent than simply “man”

3.) If you see them slightly more frequently and can remember some fact about them, say that Jesus is an avid cyclist, call him Wheel-y . This works best if you also get many other people in on this nickname. Awkwardness gone and you are the awesome friend who nicknamed someone!