Situation #11 – Pitters

29 05 2008

Situation: While pit stains (more affectionately referred to as pitters) happen to everyone, they rarely go unnoticed. In fact, they are often the topic of post-hangout conversations. “Man, did you get a load of Sally’s pitters? Major soakage.”

So, how do you avoid the awkwardness of wearing the unintentional two-toned shirt?


First, Preventative measures:

There are several ways to avoid pitters. We list a few below.

1. Wear only shirts the color of pitters.

This, however, may limit your wardrobe to jaundice yellow colored shirts.

2. The ol’ double shirt

Lets the first shirt be the soaker, the other be the masker.

3. Avoid hyper-color shirts.

This one does not need to be explained.

Second, there are several on the spot solutions when you have the pits.

1. Spillage.

This is to be used only in the most disastrous pitter situations. Go, take a delicious sip of that drink. What! Oh no! You just missed your mouth! Now, your delicious beverage is all over your shirt, including your chest and pitter area! This method may induce some awkwardness, but, rest assured, clumsiness is less awkward than sweatiness.

2. Blame Global Warming: its gotta be good for something.

The best way to apply this method is to, first, causally notice your pitters. Refer to your pitters with an “oh geez, check it out” and then use it to jump-start a rant on rising temperatures, melting ice-caps, those poor polar bears and evil polluting corporations. You win!

3. Dry ‘em out.

Find the closest fan, wind tunnel, or place with a cool breeze. Position yourself there and place your hands on your hips, letting those pitters dry out. Note, for this method to discreet, you have to be declaring something of great importance, or speaking on a topic you are an authority on. This is because the “hands on the hips” position = authority. After this drying period, you must then continue your evening/day with the ever-sophisticated hands placed on top of head (with a possible lean-back) position, so to not wet those pits further.

Just be happy you don’t have crotch sweat.



3 responses

14 06 2008

a pitter-related tip: do NOT wear shirts with binding beneath the bust on a hot, humid day, particularly if you are wearing a lightly coloured shirt that reveals any and all moisture-induced discolouration.

3 07 2008

The best is trying to have a serious work-related convo with a supervisor who has pitters. Unpossible, I say!

25 07 2008

I prefer the “Steve Holt!” position. Declare with vim, my friends.

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