Got a Sitch #3 – Don’t speak! We know just what you’re saying.

18 08 2008

1) you are talking about someone and don’t realize that person is standing behind you.

The soloosh depends on how much detail you’ve gone into. If you were just saying something general like “You know who I really can’t stand? That Lester von Shottenberg the Third.” then you can get off the hook with a simple “Oh, you thought I was talking about you? I was talking about another Lester von Shottenberg the Third. What a douche bag!” Of course this is much more effective if your friends have common palendromic names like Anna or Bob or Otto.

Perhaps, you didn’t stop there, and went into more detail about your dislike for Lester von Shottenberg the Third. “Can you believe he tried to pass off some Australian swill as port? Everyone knows that the only acceptable port comes from the Douro Valley in the northern provinces of Portugal. What a poseur!”

The only way to get out of this is to step up the insults to a preposterous level and then turn around and exclaim “You got PUNK’D Bra!!” We advise you to be less annoying than Ashton Kutcher when doing so, lest you get into further awkwardness.

2) you part ways with someone, for example after getting off the elevator when leaving work, then realize you are both headed the same way.

The soloosh: Goodbyes are contractually binding statements and must be treated as such. After you have said goodbye, you can no longer speak to each other, and must treat your elevator companion as a leprotic David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

3) you respond to someone who you think is talking to you, then realize that person is on the phone.

The soloosh: Assuming you don’t know this person, and are walking along a city street, then you have two options:

1.Pretend that you are also speaking into an earpiece. This will make you appear very very important, so it is essential that the next things you say include the words forthwith, heretofore and thusly. To cap it off, end with the phrase “I’ll shuffle some things around and pencil you in for next Wednsday. I’ll have Enrico give you a call.”

2. If you’ve said “Hello” to the person, then this provides a nice segue for you to act as if you were singing that popular Lionel Richie song of the 80s. You must now make this song part of your regular morning walk to work routine, until you become known as the Lovable Lionel Richie Singing Man, everyone’s favourite Street Crazy. It is indeed you he’s looking for!




    4 responses

    18 08 2008
    buffalo this

    Excellent tips on defusing those potential time bombs of awkwardness. The first one is a great reason to start associating only with people with extremely common names whenever possible. It’s a lot easier to claim you were talking about a different John Smith than a different Lester von Shottenberg the Third. The Punk’d thing is a good multi-purpose way out for a lot of situations, not just this one.

    As for #2, one suggestion to reduce awkwardness is to start walking faster or slower than the person (as seen in “Superbad”) or to do “The turnaround” and then double back later when the coast is clear.

    18 08 2008
    buffalo this

    Please disregard the awkward smiley face in the above comment. I don’t know where that came from. I assure you it was unintentional.

    27 08 2008

    Lionel Richie saves the day yet again. Is there anything he can’t do??

    28 03 2009

    best way to get out of awkwardness in #2 is a) if you are behind, when they notice you say “don’t mind me, I’m just stalking you” b) if you are ahead say “hey! Are you stalking me?”

    Acknowledging the awkwardness is the first step to getting rid of it I think.

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