Got a Sitch #3 – Don’t speak! We know just what you’re saying.

18 08 2008

1) you are talking about someone and don’t realize that person is standing behind you.

The soloosh depends on how much detail you’ve gone into. If you were just saying something general like “You know who I really can’t stand? That Lester von Shottenberg the Third.” then you can get off the hook with a simple “Oh, you thought I was talking about you? I was talking about another Lester von Shottenberg the Third. What a douche bag!” Of course this is much more effective if your friends have common palendromic names like Anna or Bob or Otto.

Perhaps, you didn’t stop there, and went into more detail about your dislike for Lester von Shottenberg the Third. “Can you believe he tried to pass off some Australian swill as port? Everyone knows that the only acceptable port comes from the Douro Valley in the northern provinces of Portugal. What a poseur!”

The only way to get out of this is to step up the insults to a preposterous level and then turn around and exclaim “You got PUNK’D Bra!!” We advise you to be less annoying than Ashton Kutcher when doing so, lest you get into further awkwardness.

2) you part ways with someone, for example after getting off the elevator when leaving work, then realize you are both headed the same way.

The soloosh: Goodbyes are contractually binding statements and must be treated as such. After you have said goodbye, you can no longer speak to each other, and must treat your elevator companion as a leprotic David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

3) you respond to someone who you think is talking to you, then realize that person is on the phone.

The soloosh: Assuming you don’t know this person, and are walking along a city street, then you have two options:

1.Pretend that you are also speaking into an earpiece. This will make you appear very very important, so it is essential that the next things you say include the words forthwith, heretofore and thusly. To cap it off, end with the phrase “I’ll shuffle some things around and pencil you in for next Wednsday. I’ll have Enrico give you a call.”

2. If you’ve said “Hello” to the person, then this provides a nice segue for you to act as if you were singing that popular Lionel Richie song of the 80s. You must now make this song part of your regular morning walk to work routine, until you become known as the Lovable Lionel Richie Singing Man, everyone’s favourite Street Crazy. It is indeed you he’s looking for!

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    Got a Sitch #2 – So you thought you could dance?

    13 08 2008

    The sitch:

    “I need some advice for this terribly awkward situation many of us find ourselves in at a live music show…The band starts busting out a very “dance-able” tune. It takes you a couple minutes to get into it…sip your beer and drop a couple comments about how awesome the song is to your buddy. You’re groovin with hands in the pockets..little head bobbin’..scopeing out the dance floor and contemplating movement towards it. You finally decide to make the move..you strut to to the floor…and start “full-motion-hands-out-of-pocket” dancing…(now here’s the awkward part)…only a couple beats into your “dance”…you’re feelin’ it..it’s happening..and then suddenly song ends and you’ve been on the dance floor for like 5 seconds. This situation has the potential to amplify into an even more awkward situation if the next song they play is slow, and you don’t want to dance, but also, don’t want to leave because you just came on.

    everyone is watching…what do you do…what do you do??!”

    The soloosh:

    The soloosh to this particular problem will depend on the type of show you’re at. Lucky for you, dear Reader, we have a few pieces of advice tailored to your tunes.

    1. Rap concert: First, turn to the guy standing next to you and say “Can you believe that Fiddy Cent got shot NINE times?!!” Even though this is a well known fact, it is always a good ice-breaker amongst rap fans. Next, you can use this moment of silence as an opportunity to showcase your beat boxing skills for a captive audience.

    2. Phish reunion concert: Heed the popular, if cheesy maxim “Dance like no one is watching” because no one is actually watching you. Everyone else is too stoned to care that you’re dancing after the song has stopped, so keep flailing those hippie arms like the wacky waving inflatable arm guy of used car dealership fame. We can see how beautiful your aura is when you dance!

    3. Indie rock show (not concert, show!): Choosing to dance at all was your first mistake. In fact, even showing up was risking a little too much enthusiasm for a band that will be too mainstream as of tomorrow. You may as well be wearing a Coldplay T-shirt. However, you can still recover your indie cred with the following simple steps. First, cross your arms at your chest and cultivate a look indifferent dissatisfaction. How dare Caribou stop playing just as you were getting into the song? Now turn to the person on your left and give them a good pre-emptive visual judging. Look them over slowly as if to say “Nice pants. Where’d you get them? American Apparel?”





    Got a Sitch #1 – Drunken Friends and Battle of the Bands

    5 08 2008

    Wait awkwardly no more, readers! The “Got a Sitch?” page is a resounding success! Dear Abby even wrote in asking us to cease and desist. But we are too loyal to our readers to do any such thing. Today we are posting the first solution (or soloosh as the kids say) to a reader sitch. Stay tuned for more, and keep those sitches comin’.

    hey! i had 2 suggestions for you.
    1. When you are out with your parents or family and run into a drunk and rambunctious group of your friends. AWKWARD. this also works if you are drunk and forced to meet important people.

    Soloosh: The Ann Landers in us wants to tell you to get some damn sober friends! Are these really the type of people you wish to associate with, young lady? Remember, you are judged by the company you keep. It’s always prudent to foster a favourable impression with those who may one day have to help you with rent.

    However, as your drunk friends we offer you the following advice:

    1. Make slurring the new slang! In order to convince your parents that your friends are not really drunk (or crunk, for that matter) you will have to incorporate their slurred speech into your new vocabulary. Next time you answer the phone, instead of asking your friends “whazzzz up?”, ask them “shooooooooowsiiiiiiiiiiiiit goinnnnnnnnnn braaaaaugh?”

    2. Blame your friends’ behaviour on rap music. Fiddy Cent (or Fifty for the Pronunciation Police)’s official job in life is to be punished for our sins. He’s a modern day Jesus. Seriously. The guy’s been shot nine times. NINE TIMES!

    2. When you start talking about how much you like the backstreet boys and realize you are in a group of spice-girl fans…..

    To deal with this specific problem, we recommend that you break out into the Backstreet Boys’ infectious hit “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” including the patented dance moves. You know the ones we’re talking about, the limp Thriller-like wrists and zombie walk. This song and dance is so contagious that everyone else will be forced to join in, just like the chorus compels them to. “Everybody. Yeah-ah. Rock your body. Yeah-ah.” Before long, the only spice they’ll be interested in is cardamom!