Situation #30 – clothing combo catastrophe

12 08 2008

The situation : It is a well-known fact among the awkward that clothing is responsible for many social mishaps (see several of the below posts). A special sub-category of clothing conundrums is the awkward clothing combination. Take the awkward sweater-short combination, for instance. Are you too hot or too cold? This may result in you sweating profusely on one level and shivering on the other..awkward! However, the most awkward combo of them all is the button down shirt-tie-jeans combination. This combination may not be so socially awkward for the outfit wearer, but can baffle many an outfit viewer. Why? The jean bottom and button up top is the wardrobe equivalent of the mullet: business up top and a party down below. Here is the awkward part: How do you react to this person? The legs are telling you to greet them with a chest bump and a “holla-at-ya” and the torso is telling you to quickly calculate the square root of 212*.

The solution : First, there is a high probability the wearer may be Joey Lawrence as he did sport this look many times during his Blossom years, so check that out first. If this is the case, the best way to greet him is with a “Whoa”.

If not, then we must turn to the eternal advice of woman’s magazine cover lines: “find out everything you need to know from a mans shoes” (This is most likely under “10 ways to pleasure your lover… with household appliances”). This means, if this business top-party bottom wearer is sporting some sneakers, chest bump away! See some business shoes? Shake the hand and comment on the stock market.

*we know some of our readers need their informational thirst quenched, so sqrt(212)=14.56. This beverage is on the house.

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Situation #21 – Hey, that shirt is on backwards

6 07 2008

The situation: You’ve just spent the day being important. Shaking your important fist, shooting out important stares, and strutting your important strut. Then, you realize that your shirt was on backwards all day long. Even worse, it was inside-out. Other varieties of this mishap can include: a mismatched buttoned shirt, mismatched socks (or shoes for those of us less fortunate), or the dreaded toothpaste mustache.

The solution: The only way to get out of this shit-uation is to make the backward shirt (or other clothing malfunction) a fashion trend! Wear you shirt backwards for the next week. Salute the glory days of Kriss Kross and those little buggars makin’ us want to jump (jump). Watch this trend catch on. You are the next Coco Chanel!





Situation #18 – The sneeze

29 06 2008

The situation: You are sitting in a meeting, trying to look important and smart. You’ve got that puzzled look, the chin resting in one hand and you are twirling a fountain pen in your other hand. Then you feel it. Its coming. You are about to sneeze.

Now, the first piece of awkwardness to avoid when sneezing is the audibility of your sneeze. You don’t want to be too quiet…quiet sneezers seem like they’ve got something to hide. You don’t want to be so loud some people think you are practicing your best Chewbacca moan. This is something we advise you to practice home, not in front of the mirror.

However, the foremost awkward event that can arrive from a sneeze is, dare we say, when your launch a rocket, of the snot variety. There is no pretty way to put it. You sneeze, you got nose contents in your hands. What are you going to do?

Solution: The solution to this quandary involves multiple steps. All steps must be completed in order and none are to be left out.

  1. Clasp your hands together, nose contents within, and regain your puzzled yet interested look.
  2. Count to 10 in your head (with those Mississippi’s!). Maintain your interested look.
  3. Ensure all nose contents are shuffled over to your right hand. Do so without unclasping your hands.
  4. Now, oh, it seems your ankle is itchy! Reach down with your right hand and scratch your ankle (so it seems to the public eye). While doing so, wipe former nose contents onto your sock.
  5. Clear! Congratulations, you have avoided awkwardness!




Situation #11 – Pitters

29 05 2008

Situation: While pit stains (more affectionately referred to as pitters) happen to everyone, they rarely go unnoticed. In fact, they are often the topic of post-hangout conversations. “Man, did you get a load of Sally’s pitters? Major soakage.”

So, how do you avoid the awkwardness of wearing the unintentional two-toned shirt?

Solution:

First, Preventative measures:

There are several ways to avoid pitters. We list a few below.

1. Wear only shirts the color of pitters.

This, however, may limit your wardrobe to jaundice yellow colored shirts.

2. The ol’ double shirt

Lets the first shirt be the soaker, the other be the masker.

3. Avoid hyper-color shirts.

This one does not need to be explained.

Second, there are several on the spot solutions when you have the pits.

1. Spillage.

This is to be used only in the most disastrous pitter situations. Go, take a delicious sip of that drink. What! Oh no! You just missed your mouth! Now, your delicious beverage is all over your shirt, including your chest and pitter area! This method may induce some awkwardness, but, rest assured, clumsiness is less awkward than sweatiness.

2. Blame Global Warming: its gotta be good for something.

The best way to apply this method is to, first, causally notice your pitters. Refer to your pitters with an “oh geez, check it out” and then use it to jump-start a rant on rising temperatures, melting ice-caps, those poor polar bears and evil polluting corporations. You win!

3. Dry ‘em out.

Find the closest fan, wind tunnel, or place with a cool breeze. Position yourself there and place your hands on your hips, letting those pitters dry out. Note, for this method to discreet, you have to be declaring something of great importance, or speaking on a topic you are an authority on. This is because the “hands on the hips” position = authority. After this drying period, you must then continue your evening/day with the ever-sophisticated hands placed on top of head (with a possible lean-back) position, so to not wet those pits further.

Just be happy you don’t have crotch sweat.