Got a Sitch #1 – Drunken Friends and Battle of the Bands

5 08 2008

Wait awkwardly no more, readers! The “Got a Sitch?” page is a resounding success! Dear Abby even wrote in asking us to cease and desist. But we are too loyal to our readers to do any such thing. Today we are posting the first solution (or soloosh as the kids say) to a reader sitch. Stay tuned for more, and keep those sitches comin’.

hey! i had 2 suggestions for you.
1. When you are out with your parents or family and run into a drunk and rambunctious group of your friends. AWKWARD. this also works if you are drunk and forced to meet important people.

Soloosh: The Ann Landers in us wants to tell you to get some damn sober friends! Are these really the type of people you wish to associate with, young lady? Remember, you are judged by the company you keep. It’s always prudent to foster a favourable impression with those who may one day have to help you with rent.

However, as your drunk friends we offer you the following advice:

1. Make slurring the new slang! In order to convince your parents that your friends are not really drunk (or crunk, for that matter) you will have to incorporate their slurred speech into your new vocabulary. Next time you answer the phone, instead of asking your friends “whazzzz up?”, ask them “shooooooooowsiiiiiiiiiiiiit goinnnnnnnnnn braaaaaugh?”

2. Blame your friends’ behaviour on rap music. Fiddy Cent (or Fifty for the Pronunciation Police)’s official job in life is to be punished for our sins. He’s a modern day Jesus. Seriously. The guy’s been shot nine times. NINE TIMES!

2. When you start talking about how much you like the backstreet boys and realize you are in a group of spice-girl fans…..

To deal with this specific problem, we recommend that you break out into the Backstreet Boys’ infectious hit “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” including the patented dance moves. You know the ones we’re talking about, the limp Thriller-like wrists and zombie walk. This song and dance is so contagious that everyone else will be forced to join in, just like the chorus compels them to. “Everybody. Yeah-ah. Rock your body. Yeah-ah.” Before long, the only spice they’ll be interested in is cardamom!


Situation #29 – the dessert

4 08 2008

The situation – You just charmed your way through the main course of a dinner party. People are intrigued by your hilarious insights on the difference between orange crush and fanta. Importantly, you made the appropriate amount of “yums” and “not even Martha herself could make this” comments about the dinner served, thus complimenting the host but not mocking them. Now, dessert time. Put in front you is what seems to resemble a steaming pile of warm barf. To many, this is the opposite of appetizing. So, what do you do when you have to eat the inedible?

The solution – there are a few options in this situations, but few let us discuss those solutions that may appear helpful, but have dire consequences.

1.) many will think saying “I am so full, I couldn’t possibly take a bite” will do the trick, however, this will most likely result in an never-ending back and forth of:

“oh, come on, just try a bite”

“but I am so full”.

Getting out of this is more difficult than getting out of a “I know you are but what am I?” situation.

2.) Many will also think they can be sneaky by claiming some of sort allergy to the barf-like dessert, but this is a solution only for Costanza-like individuals: those that have the superhuman ability to keep a lie going on for years…and years.

So, the best solution is:

Suck it up and take one tiny bite. Do the mandatory inquistive yum. Then, look at your host and ask “This is great, does this dessert, perchance, have any flour in it (or insert any obvious ingredient)?” The host will respond “why yes, dear dessert eater.” To which you respond: “Oh. Well it is so so delicous, but I recently made a promise to myself. And that promise was to only eat fair trade flour. You see, those poor flour-workers have such terrible work conditions, immune and gastrointenstional problems from their work, that I have made a vow to only eat fair-trade. I’m sorry, but perhaps you could give me the recipe? So Delicious!”

Now, you come across as noble because you care about those poor flour workers and you have not insulted your host by refusing to ingset the barf-like substance in front of you. Success!

Note: this solution will most likely not work if you are dining with hippies because everything will be fair-trade and organic.

Situation #28 – Hey…buddy?

31 07 2008

The situation: First, name forgetting is not in itself awkward. This is an inability that is treasured amongst social creatures. Name forgetting, however, can become awkward when you have been introduced to a person several times and still can’t remember their name, especially in presence of said person. Whenever you are in their presence, their flowing locks, scruffy beard and Birkenstock sandals can only bring to mind one name: Jesus. Or say when you met this person he/she was wearing a stripped t-shirt and a toque and was very good at blending into the background. From then on the only name that popped up when this person was seen or spoken of was Waldo. The awkwardness of not remembering this person’s name can be exacerbated if the person had a tendency to end every sentence with your name. Isn’t that awkward, reader?

The solution: An obvious solution is to have a sackful of generic names : buddy (best if pronounced bahhhhh-dee), pal, duder, man, home slice, road dawg, etc. This can be extremely helpful in dire situations; however, someone with Jesus-like intelligence or Waldo-like mystery may be able to see through it. So, here are some additional pointers:

1.) you cannot tell them they look like Jesus. As much as you think your insight is so original, they have heard it before and likely do not want to hear it again.

2.) if you see the person infrequently, then you can give a personalized nickname to them based on something in that moment. For instance, if they are drinking a slurpee, give them a “how’s it going, slurpee-man?” This may appear annoying, but not awkward and less transparent than simply “man”

3.) If you see them slightly more frequently and can remember some fact about them, say that Jesus is an avid cyclist, call him Wheel-y . This works best if you also get many other people in on this nickname. Awkwardness gone and you are the awesome friend who nicknamed someone!

Situation #27 – The ‘surprise’ costume party

30 07 2008

The situation: It’s Saturday night and being the popular beast that you are, you are headed to a party. Before leaving your house, you go over your typical mental checklist : shirt is pitter-proof, no accidental hole in the crotch of your pants, and you have some hilarious facts about David Hasselhoff on the ol’ mental shelf, should that come up. You also make sure that you arrive a stylish 30 minutes late. Seems like you are set to avoid anything awkward, right? riiight?

You enter the house and take a look around. Something seems strange. Everyone is dressed up in Shakespearean era costumes. How doth you forget…the party was a costume party.

The solution: There is one solution that will save your un-costumed arse without having to pull out the lame “the dog ate my invitation” excuse. For a costume party that is set in a specific time period, be it a Shakespearean era party or a star trek era party (although, who would ever forget the chance to dress up as Jean-Luc Picard and sip on some Romulan ale?), you have to confidently walk around the party, perhaps humming some Huey Lewis and the News, asking people if they have seen some crazy looking scientist who often exclaims “Great Scott!”. People at the party will initially be confused, but keep going. Perhaps throw in some Delorian references and talk about a certain clock tower. That’s rights, you came to the party as Marty Mcfly, time travellin’ from 2008, which explains your modern day attire.

Note: if you are a hipster, this excuse works even better because you are more than likely to be dressed in an outfit similar to that worn by Marty McFly circa 1985 (the oj time travel year) or, if female, that hot little legging-ed number worn by his main squeeze, Jennifer.

Situation #26 – The name game

28 07 2008

The situation: You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are dancing the horizontal mambo, if you know what we mean. Of course you know what we mean, you sly fox! We won’t go into further detail – this isn’t that kind of site. We’ll just say that things are going well and let your imagination take it from there. There’s some “oohing” and some “ahhing” and just as you’re heading into the final sequence of your carnal gymnastics routine, you cry out “Oooh Steeeeeve!” This would be fine, if only your boyfriend was actually named Steve. Your boyfriend, however, is named Karl, a name that bears neither phonetic nor graphic similarity to the name Steve.

The solution: What follow are not so much solutions, as much as tips that will buy you enough time to pack your bags on the way out.

1. Explain that you practice a rare religion where Steve is actually the name of your god. You come from a long line of Spanish stevedores and worship at the altar of your ancestral longshoreman Steven Consuelos The Third.

2. Claim a fetish for an older and unattractive actor. It is very important that you do not pick anyone even remotely attractive, because on the off chance that your boyfriend is convinced, you will then have his newfound insecurities to deal with. Therefore, Steve Carrell and Steve Martin are both bad choices. Steve Buscemi – now we’re talking!

J.S.A. approved link

28 07 2008

What do you do if you awkwardly wake up with a box on your head? Gadzooks!

Click on the pic!



Situation #25 – The repeated story

23 07 2008

The situation: Your friend is launching into a lengthy dissertation on the woeful state of Canadian eyewear manufacture, which promises to include several stories from his travels abroad.

“Did you know that Canada is a third world country when it comes to eyeglass manufacture?” Actually, you do know this. In fact, you’re somewhat of an expert on the topic, having heard this story at least three times before. How do you spare yourself from a fourth rendition of Swedish Spectacles of Grandeur without insulting your friend?

The solution: When faced with a repeated story, the first step is to assess your company. Ask yourself the following questions: Am I on a date? Am I talking with my boss, mother- or father-in-law, or other person of authority? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then the risk of insult is too high – you’ll have to suck it up and sit through another telling of The Unbelievable Mischief I Got Into As a Young Boy. However, since you already know the appropriate places to laugh or express shock, you can free your mind for other tasks. Now is an ideal time to compose a mental grocery list or contemplate the intricacies of String Theory.

If you’re on a date, you’ll have to ask yourself an additional question: How attractive is this person? This is important because the number of times one can tolerate a repeated story is directly proportional to the attractiveness of the storyteller. Superficial? Probably, but that’s how it is. So, if your date is aesthetically gifted, we advise you not to interrupt, but to take this opportunity to gaze into his or her dreamy eyes, while flipping your hair flirtatiously. Of course if you’re male, you can ignore the hair flipping part. If you find that this still applies to you, we gently advise you to get a haircut, you Dirty Hippie!

If you’re with a friend, then you can use the repeated story to great advantage by jumping in with witty comments that your friend has used in the past. She’ll feel a new and undeniable connection with your brilliant humour. If you really can’t stand to hear the story again, stop your friend early on by saying “Oh, is this the one where you stumbled across the flagship Hakim Optical in the middle of Turkey just as one of your lenses fell out? That’s such a great story!” This way your friend will be aware that he’s already told you the story, but won’t feel bad, because he knows that you share a mutual understanding of the shameful state of Canadian eyeglass manufacture.