Got a Sitch #3 – Don’t speak! We know just what you’re saying.

18 08 2008

1) you are talking about someone and don’t realize that person is standing behind you.

The soloosh depends on how much detail you’ve gone into. If you were just saying something general like “You know who I really can’t stand? That Lester von Shottenberg the Third.” then you can get off the hook with a simple “Oh, you thought I was talking about you? I was talking about another Lester von Shottenberg the Third. What a douche bag!” Of course this is much more effective if your friends have common palendromic names like Anna or Bob or Otto.

Perhaps, you didn’t stop there, and went into more detail about your dislike for Lester von Shottenberg the Third. “Can you believe he tried to pass off some Australian swill as port? Everyone knows that the only acceptable port comes from the Douro Valley in the northern provinces of Portugal. What a poseur!”

The only way to get out of this is to step up the insults to a preposterous level and then turn around and exclaim “You got PUNK’D Bra!!” We advise you to be less annoying than Ashton Kutcher when doing so, lest you get into further awkwardness.

2) you part ways with someone, for example after getting off the elevator when leaving work, then realize you are both headed the same way.

The soloosh: Goodbyes are contractually binding statements and must be treated as such. After you have said goodbye, you can no longer speak to each other, and must treat your elevator companion as a leprotic David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

3) you respond to someone who you think is talking to you, then realize that person is on the phone.

The soloosh: Assuming you don’t know this person, and are walking along a city street, then you have two options:

1.Pretend that you are also speaking into an earpiece. This will make you appear very very important, so it is essential that the next things you say include the words forthwith, heretofore and thusly. To cap it off, end with the phrase “I’ll shuffle some things around and pencil you in for next Wednsday. I’ll have Enrico give you a call.”

2. If you’ve said “Hello” to the person, then this provides a nice segue for you to act as if you were singing that popular Lionel Richie song of the 80s. You must now make this song part of your regular morning walk to work routine, until you become known as the Lovable Lionel Richie Singing Man, everyone’s favourite Street Crazy. It is indeed you he’s looking for!





    Situation #2: The elevator

    4 04 2008

    What should you do when you’re caught in an elevator with someone who hasn’t mastered the fine art of elevator chit-chat and insists on asking you questions that are either too personal or whose answers will take more than nine floors to explain?

    Solution

    As a general principle, elevator conversation should be confined to relatively uncontroversial topics which can be discussed to a satisfying depth in the minutes it takes to travel between floors. Such topics include but are not limited to the weather, matters related to the building in which the elevator is located, major sporting events, and the local sports team’s run up to the playoffs.

    Should you find yourself in the company of someone who wishes to discuss a topic that is either too personal, controversial, or lengthy for the given elevator ride, fear not, dear Reader, for you have options!

    1. Respond to the questions that your fellow elevator rider *should* be asking, not the ones that he/she actually asks.

    Sample dialogue:

    Awkward elevator rider: So, you look like someone who is pro-life, right?

    You: I can’t wait for the rain to stop either!

    1. Answer all questions with way more personal information than your fellow elevator rider ever wanted to know about you.

    Sample dialogue:

    Awkward elevator rider: So, where are you off to at this time of night?

    You: Oh, just heading to the drug store to pick up something for my yeast infection. This is the worst one I’ve ever had. You know how in the commercials they talk about that “cottage cheese-like discharge”? I never really knew what they were talking about until now. Except of course, it’s way less appetizing than cottage cheese. And the smell….