Situation # 32 – The slow walker

29 08 2008

The situation: Walking may seem like just an archaic form of transportation to some, but we here at the JSA know that walking is also a way to strut one’s style. What we mean is that the way one walks is an indication of their true self, the beast within (eat that, Freud). For example, men who walk with an exaggerated arm swing and an overly large step are likely those with issues concerning their southern regions. Think of the walking equivalent of a dude with a hummer…with spinning rims …pumping out some C+C music factory. Or, take those people who don’t walk, rather they glide. Each step seems to be as if they stepped on a bed of marshmallows with a level of grace only equaled by the fancy footwork of Tom Jones. This walk indicates that this person must be involved in the black arts because it is unusual to be as graceful as Tom Jones. Perhaps the most devious and awkward of all walking types is the slow walker. These people, demonstrating their callous character, walk at their own pace with no respect for the appropriately speeded walker behind them. They are likely the same kind of people who eat someone’s jellybeans and leaves only the black ones. One of the most awkward and irritating situations that can occur on a street is getting stuck behind a slow walker. There is evidence that such a situation can actually release anger steam from one’s ears (you know what we are talking about).

So, what do you do when you are stuck behind a slow walker?

The solution:
First, you may say “Oh JSA, are you a bunch of senile old hags? You wrote about this in situation #20, the sidewalk shuffle” To you, we respond, Nay. Slow walkers cannot be handled as street dancers/shufflers. Street dancers are just confused souls. These two are different breeds and must be treated accordingly.

Now, to get around those heartless slow walkers, there are both general and specific solutions. The following solutions may seem cruel hearted, but we are dealing with a malicious population here. The punishment must fit the crime.

For a specific solution, suss out the slower walker. Let’s say the slow walker is a club-goin’, Jay-Z listenin’ dude wearing those weird Kanye West Venetian blind glasses. From behind, pretend to talk on your phone (the ever-awkward-saving tool) and loudly exclaim “Serious! There is a sale on gold necklaces with really big dollar sign emblems? Man, I just past that store a block back!” This will result in your slow walker doing the turnaround and booking it to the location of your mentioned “sale” and, thus, getting out of your way. Tailor this approach for specific slow walkers by deleting ‘gold necklaces with really big dollar sign emblems’ and insert whatever hot commodity fits said slow walker.

A more general approach would be to just yell fire. That’ll get ‘em moving.


Situation #30 – clothing combo catastrophe

12 08 2008

The situation : It is a well-known fact among the awkward that clothing is responsible for many social mishaps (see several of the below posts). A special sub-category of clothing conundrums is the awkward clothing combination. Take the awkward sweater-short combination, for instance. Are you too hot or too cold? This may result in you sweating profusely on one level and shivering on the other..awkward! However, the most awkward combo of them all is the button down shirt-tie-jeans combination. This combination may not be so socially awkward for the outfit wearer, but can baffle many an outfit viewer. Why? The jean bottom and button up top is the wardrobe equivalent of the mullet: business up top and a party down below. Here is the awkward part: How do you react to this person? The legs are telling you to greet them with a chest bump and a “holla-at-ya” and the torso is telling you to quickly calculate the square root of 212*.

The solution : First, there is a high probability the wearer may be Joey Lawrence as he did sport this look many times during his Blossom years, so check that out first. If this is the case, the best way to greet him is with a “Whoa”.

If not, then we must turn to the eternal advice of woman’s magazine cover lines: “find out everything you need to know from a mans shoes” (This is most likely under “10 ways to pleasure your lover… with household appliances”). This means, if this business top-party bottom wearer is sporting some sneakers, chest bump away! See some business shoes? Shake the hand and comment on the stock market.

*we know some of our readers need their informational thirst quenched, so sqrt(212)=14.56. This beverage is on the house.

Situation #29 – the dessert

4 08 2008

The situation – You just charmed your way through the main course of a dinner party. People are intrigued by your hilarious insights on the difference between orange crush and fanta. Importantly, you made the appropriate amount of “yums” and “not even Martha herself could make this” comments about the dinner served, thus complimenting the host but not mocking them. Now, dessert time. Put in front you is what seems to resemble a steaming pile of warm barf. To many, this is the opposite of appetizing. So, what do you do when you have to eat the inedible?

The solution – there are a few options in this situations, but few let us discuss those solutions that may appear helpful, but have dire consequences.

1.) many will think saying “I am so full, I couldn’t possibly take a bite” will do the trick, however, this will most likely result in an never-ending back and forth of:

“oh, come on, just try a bite”

“but I am so full”.

Getting out of this is more difficult than getting out of a “I know you are but what am I?” situation.

2.) Many will also think they can be sneaky by claiming some of sort allergy to the barf-like dessert, but this is a solution only for Costanza-like individuals: those that have the superhuman ability to keep a lie going on for years…and years.

So, the best solution is:

Suck it up and take one tiny bite. Do the mandatory inquistive yum. Then, look at your host and ask “This is great, does this dessert, perchance, have any flour in it (or insert any obvious ingredient)?” The host will respond “why yes, dear dessert eater.” To which you respond: “Oh. Well it is so so delicous, but I recently made a promise to myself. And that promise was to only eat fair trade flour. You see, those poor flour-workers have such terrible work conditions, immune and gastrointenstional problems from their work, that I have made a vow to only eat fair-trade. I’m sorry, but perhaps you could give me the recipe? So Delicious!”

Now, you come across as noble because you care about those poor flour workers and you have not insulted your host by refusing to ingset the barf-like substance in front of you. Success!

Note: this solution will most likely not work if you are dining with hippies because everything will be fair-trade and organic.

Situation #27 – The ‘surprise’ costume party

30 07 2008

The situation: It’s Saturday night and being the popular beast that you are, you are headed to a party. Before leaving your house, you go over your typical mental checklist : shirt is pitter-proof, no accidental hole in the crotch of your pants, and you have some hilarious facts about David Hasselhoff on the ol’ mental shelf, should that come up. You also make sure that you arrive a stylish 30 minutes late. Seems like you are set to avoid anything awkward, right? riiight?

You enter the house and take a look around. Something seems strange. Everyone is dressed up in Shakespearean era costumes. How doth you forget…the party was a costume party.

The solution: There is one solution that will save your un-costumed arse without having to pull out the lame “the dog ate my invitation” excuse. For a costume party that is set in a specific time period, be it a Shakespearean era party or a star trek era party (although, who would ever forget the chance to dress up as Jean-Luc Picard and sip on some Romulan ale?), you have to confidently walk around the party, perhaps humming some Huey Lewis and the News, asking people if they have seen some crazy looking scientist who often exclaims “Great Scott!”. People at the party will initially be confused, but keep going. Perhaps throw in some Delorian references and talk about a certain clock tower. That’s rights, you came to the party as Marty Mcfly, time travellin’ from 2008, which explains your modern day attire.

Note: if you are a hipster, this excuse works even better because you are more than likely to be dressed in an outfit similar to that worn by Marty McFly circa 1985 (the oj time travel year) or, if female, that hot little legging-ed number worn by his main squeeze, Jennifer.

Situation #21 – Hey, that shirt is on backwards

6 07 2008

The situation: You’ve just spent the day being important. Shaking your important fist, shooting out important stares, and strutting your important strut. Then, you realize that your shirt was on backwards all day long. Even worse, it was inside-out. Other varieties of this mishap can include: a mismatched buttoned shirt, mismatched socks (or shoes for those of us less fortunate), or the dreaded toothpaste mustache.

The solution: The only way to get out of this shit-uation is to make the backward shirt (or other clothing malfunction) a fashion trend! Wear you shirt backwards for the next week. Salute the glory days of Kriss Kross and those little buggars makin’ us want to jump (jump). Watch this trend catch on. You are the next Coco Chanel!

Situation # 19 – Stating the obvious

2 07 2008

The situation: Picture this, you and a friend are enjoying a couple delightful mojitos on a beautiful sunny patio, when, to your horror, your friend states the obvious. Now, this obvious statement can come in a couple different forms. First, it can be in the form of announcing something so obvious that even a blind kitten would know what was happening, such as “You finished your drink” or “Your shirt is fuchsia”. Obvious statements can also be in the form of repeating the last statement you just said. “Dude, mojito’s are delicious”, your friend “mojitos ARE delicious. ” Either way, these closed-ended obvious statements are conversation killers, leaving you awkwardly wishing your drink was not finished.

The solution:

One sure fire way to open the conversational door that obvious statements slams in your face is to use one liners. Hilarious one liners, may we add. We find the best way to do this is to summon the power of Sean Connery, the international man of one line quips, best seen in the  draction (drama action) movie ‘The Rock’.

For example: You and your friend are discussing last nights sporting event. Both of you watched this ‘event’, both of you know what happened, but your friend still states the obvious “Germany lost that game.”

To which, using your best Sean Connery impression (we advise stuffing your mouth with 5-7 marshmallows to get the perfect S.C. accent) quote one of his immaculate lines from the Rock:

“Losers always whine about their “best”! Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”

Or, if someone says “you are really between a rock and a hard place” after you stated that, in fact, you are between a rock and a hard place, just look at them, stuff your face with marshmallows and reply:

“Welcome to the Rock”

Situation #18 – The sneeze

29 06 2008

The situation: You are sitting in a meeting, trying to look important and smart. You’ve got that puzzled look, the chin resting in one hand and you are twirling a fountain pen in your other hand. Then you feel it. Its coming. You are about to sneeze.

Now, the first piece of awkwardness to avoid when sneezing is the audibility of your sneeze. You don’t want to be too quiet…quiet sneezers seem like they’ve got something to hide. You don’t want to be so loud some people think you are practicing your best Chewbacca moan. This is something we advise you to practice home, not in front of the mirror.

However, the foremost awkward event that can arrive from a sneeze is, dare we say, when your launch a rocket, of the snot variety. There is no pretty way to put it. You sneeze, you got nose contents in your hands. What are you going to do?

Solution: The solution to this quandary involves multiple steps. All steps must be completed in order and none are to be left out.

  1. Clasp your hands together, nose contents within, and regain your puzzled yet interested look.
  2. Count to 10 in your head (with those Mississippi’s!). Maintain your interested look.
  3. Ensure all nose contents are shuffled over to your right hand. Do so without unclasping your hands.
  4. Now, oh, it seems your ankle is itchy! Reach down with your right hand and scratch your ankle (so it seems to the public eye). While doing so, wipe former nose contents onto your sock.
  5. Clear! Congratulations, you have avoided awkwardness!