Got a Sitch #3 – Don’t speak! We know just what you’re saying.

18 08 2008

1) you are talking about someone and don’t realize that person is standing behind you.

The soloosh depends on how much detail you’ve gone into. If you were just saying something general like “You know who I really can’t stand? That Lester von Shottenberg the Third.” then you can get off the hook with a simple “Oh, you thought I was talking about you? I was talking about another Lester von Shottenberg the Third. What a douche bag!” Of course this is much more effective if your friends have common palendromic names like Anna or Bob or Otto.

Perhaps, you didn’t stop there, and went into more detail about your dislike for Lester von Shottenberg the Third. “Can you believe he tried to pass off some Australian swill as port? Everyone knows that the only acceptable port comes from the Douro Valley in the northern provinces of Portugal. What a poseur!”

The only way to get out of this is to step up the insults to a preposterous level and then turn around and exclaim “You got PUNK’D Bra!!” We advise you to be less annoying than Ashton Kutcher when doing so, lest you get into further awkwardness.

2) you part ways with someone, for example after getting off the elevator when leaving work, then realize you are both headed the same way.

The soloosh: Goodbyes are contractually binding statements and must be treated as such. After you have said goodbye, you can no longer speak to each other, and must treat your elevator companion as a leprotic David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

3) you respond to someone who you think is talking to you, then realize that person is on the phone.

The soloosh: Assuming you don’t know this person, and are walking along a city street, then you have two options:

1.Pretend that you are also speaking into an earpiece. This will make you appear very very important, so it is essential that the next things you say include the words forthwith, heretofore and thusly. To cap it off, end with the phrase “I’ll shuffle some things around and pencil you in for next Wednsday. I’ll have Enrico give you a call.”

2. If you’ve said “Hello” to the person, then this provides a nice segue for you to act as if you were singing that popular Lionel Richie song of the 80s. You must now make this song part of your regular morning walk to work routine, until you become known as the Lovable Lionel Richie Singing Man, everyone’s favourite Street Crazy. It is indeed you he’s looking for!


    JSA-Approved Link: Awkward Rap

    13 08 2008

    Or try

    Situation # 19 – Stating the obvious

    2 07 2008

    The situation: Picture this, you and a friend are enjoying a couple delightful mojitos on a beautiful sunny patio, when, to your horror, your friend states the obvious. Now, this obvious statement can come in a couple different forms. First, it can be in the form of announcing something so obvious that even a blind kitten would know what was happening, such as “You finished your drink” or “Your shirt is fuchsia”. Obvious statements can also be in the form of repeating the last statement you just said. “Dude, mojito’s are delicious”, your friend “mojitos ARE delicious. ” Either way, these closed-ended obvious statements are conversation killers, leaving you awkwardly wishing your drink was not finished.

    The solution:

    One sure fire way to open the conversational door that obvious statements slams in your face is to use one liners. Hilarious one liners, may we add. We find the best way to do this is to summon the power of Sean Connery, the international man of one line quips, best seen in the  draction (drama action) movie ‘The Rock’.

    For example: You and your friend are discussing last nights sporting event. Both of you watched this ‘event’, both of you know what happened, but your friend still states the obvious “Germany lost that game.”

    To which, using your best Sean Connery impression (we advise stuffing your mouth with 5-7 marshmallows to get the perfect S.C. accent) quote one of his immaculate lines from the Rock:

    “Losers always whine about their “best”! Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”

    Or, if someone says “you are really between a rock and a hard place” after you stated that, in fact, you are between a rock and a hard place, just look at them, stuff your face with marshmallows and reply:

    “Welcome to the Rock”

    Situation #17 – The spontaneous reunion

    26 06 2008

    The situation: You’re working on the Saturday crossword over a coffee at your local Starbucks, when a guy who is only vaguely familiar approaches your table, claiming to recognize you from somewhere. Quick, what’s a seven-letter synonym for uncomfortable?

    If you choose to go down the “Where do we know each other from?” path, you will inevitably arrive at some unsatisfying conclusion, such as the realization that you once shared crayons in kindergarten. Then you will engage in strained reminiscence. “Remember how you couldn’t pronounce ‘l’s so you kept asking to borrow my boo?” Now you are left to account for the last twenty-some-odd years of your life. It’s similar to the oft-dreaded high school reunion but without the opportunity to rent a Rolls Royce ahead of time.

    The solution: Whenever someone approaches you and says “Excuse me,don’t I know you from somewhere? …You were in my class!” there is one and only one acceptable response:

    “I was your teacher.” And it is imperative that you say this with a feigned British accent and a smugness reserved only for those who had the foresight to protect their skin from fine lines and wrinkles while still in the midst of puberty. All other responses you may think of on the spot will only put you on the fast track to Awkwardville.

    Frankly, who cares where you actually know each other from? Whatever the answer is will only provide you with a very limited means of relating to each other. If you can’t bond over a shared appreciation for early 90s Oil of Olay commercials, there is no hope for you anyway.

    Situation #16 – Everything is broken.

    23 06 2008

    The situation: You’re visiting a friend, and as she steps into the kitchen to get you a glass of water, you decide to examine the finery in her china cabinet. (Yes, you have very classy friends. We know.) And then just like Sir Isaac Newton sitting under his apple tree on that fateful day, you too become suddenly and acutely aware of the Earth’s gravitational pull. However, unlike Sir Isaac Newton, you are not graced with a scientific discovery worthy of universal acclamation, but instead just a broken vase. How should you go about telling your friend what you’ve done?

    The solution:

    1. If your friend has a pet, you are home free. Blame the pet! And don’t feel badly about it, not even for a second. Pets have a pretty cushy existence, you see. In addition to the regular walks and treats, people actually bend down and clean up their waste. Think about that for a minute. And all they have to do in exchange is look cute and accept the occasional blame for an unfortunate odor or a broken lamp. Besides, pets rarely get punished for breaking things – they’re too cute to punish.

    If there are no pets around, you’ll have to be a little more creative.

    2. Act as though you have just done her an indisputably large favour.

    “Great news! You know that Faberge egg that never quite fit with your décor? Well, …”

    3. Frame it as retribution for some long-forgotten and petty wrongdoing on the part of your friend.

    “Remember when we were in second grade and you started a rumor that I still liked to eat glue and I was called ‘Elmer’ for the rest of the year? Well, I broke one of your family heirlooms, so I think we’re even now.”