Situation #31 – You just don’t get it

15 08 2008

The situation: You and a friend are discussing the poetic nuances of the latest Pussycat Dolls hit, “When I grow up.” You assert that rhyming “nameless” with “name is” is nothing short of lyrical genius. Your friend counters that the words “genius” and Pussycat Dolls should not be used in the same sentence without the inclusion of the words “lack of”. You agree to disagree and move on to other matters of great importance.

Somewhere in the midst of this conversation, your friend casually tosses out a rather controversial statement, assuming (incorrectly) that you share her opinion on a divisive issue.

“Of course pirates are totally cooler than ninjas. You know how it is, right?”

Tread carefully here, Reader! Do not fall into the trap of the rhetorical “you know how it is, right?” This is not an invitation for you to explain that actually, you have no idea how it is, and in fact, you disagree entirely with everything she’s just said. The only socially acceptable answer to a rhetorical “you know how it is, right?” is a nod of the head and an “mmm hmmm” or possibly an “Amen, Sistah!” should you choose to agree in a more emphatic manner.

You don’t want to get into a whole debate about the relative merits of pirates and ninjas with your friend; you just want to escape from this conversational minefield with your loyalty to ninjas intact. However, you also don’t want to give your friend the impression that you totally agree that pirates are “totally cooler than ninjas.” This could lead to further awkwardness when your friend invites you to “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Johnny Depp Wears Even More Eyeliner, Savy?” and you have to awkwardly decline. So, what do you do?

The solution: When you don’t want to agree with someone and are too lazy to have the debate that will inevitably follow from your disagreement, the best thing to do is this: Change the topic with a smooth conversational segue into a piece of pop culture trivia.

“Ah, speaking of ninjas, did you know that the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons was done by the actor who played Uncle Phil on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air?”

Now, not only are you out of conversational hot water, your friend will admire your vast knowledge of early 90s television trivia.


JSA-Approved Link: Awkward Rap

13 08 2008

Or try

Got a Sitch #2 – So you thought you could dance?

13 08 2008

The sitch:

“I need some advice for this terribly awkward situation many of us find ourselves in at a live music show…The band starts busting out a very “dance-able” tune. It takes you a couple minutes to get into it…sip your beer and drop a couple comments about how awesome the song is to your buddy. You’re groovin with hands in the pockets..little head bobbin’..scopeing out the dance floor and contemplating movement towards it. You finally decide to make the strut to to the floor…and start “full-motion-hands-out-of-pocket” dancing…(now here’s the awkward part)…only a couple beats into your “dance”…you’re feelin’’s happening..and then suddenly song ends and you’ve been on the dance floor for like 5 seconds. This situation has the potential to amplify into an even more awkward situation if the next song they play is slow, and you don’t want to dance, but also, don’t want to leave because you just came on.

everyone is watching…what do you do…what do you do??!”

The soloosh:

The soloosh to this particular problem will depend on the type of show you’re at. Lucky for you, dear Reader, we have a few pieces of advice tailored to your tunes.

1. Rap concert: First, turn to the guy standing next to you and say “Can you believe that Fiddy Cent got shot NINE times?!!” Even though this is a well known fact, it is always a good ice-breaker amongst rap fans. Next, you can use this moment of silence as an opportunity to showcase your beat boxing skills for a captive audience.

2. Phish reunion concert: Heed the popular, if cheesy maxim “Dance like no one is watching” because no one is actually watching you. Everyone else is too stoned to care that you’re dancing after the song has stopped, so keep flailing those hippie arms like the wacky waving inflatable arm guy of used car dealership fame. We can see how beautiful your aura is when you dance!

3. Indie rock show (not concert, show!): Choosing to dance at all was your first mistake. In fact, even showing up was risking a little too much enthusiasm for a band that will be too mainstream as of tomorrow. You may as well be wearing a Coldplay T-shirt. However, you can still recover your indie cred with the following simple steps. First, cross your arms at your chest and cultivate a look indifferent dissatisfaction. How dare Caribou stop playing just as you were getting into the song? Now turn to the person on your left and give them a good pre-emptive visual judging. Look them over slowly as if to say “Nice pants. Where’d you get them? American Apparel?”