JSA-Approved Link: Awkward Rap

13 08 2008

Or try



Situation #26 – The name game

28 07 2008

The situation: You and your boyfriend/girlfriend are dancing the horizontal mambo, if you know what we mean. Of course you know what we mean, you sly fox! We won’t go into further detail – this isn’t that kind of site. We’ll just say that things are going well and let your imagination take it from there. There’s some “oohing” and some “ahhing” and just as you’re heading into the final sequence of your carnal gymnastics routine, you cry out “Oooh Steeeeeve!” This would be fine, if only your boyfriend was actually named Steve. Your boyfriend, however, is named Karl, a name that bears neither phonetic nor graphic similarity to the name Steve.

The solution: What follow are not so much solutions, as much as tips that will buy you enough time to pack your bags on the way out.

1. Explain that you practice a rare religion where Steve is actually the name of your god. You come from a long line of Spanish stevedores and worship at the altar of your ancestral longshoreman Steven Consuelos The Third.

2. Claim a fetish for an older and unattractive actor. It is very important that you do not pick anyone even remotely attractive, because on the off chance that your boyfriend is convinced, you will then have his newfound insecurities to deal with. Therefore, Steve Carrell and Steve Martin are both bad choices. Steve Buscemi – now we’re talking!

Situation # 19 – Stating the obvious

2 07 2008

The situation: Picture this, you and a friend are enjoying a couple delightful mojitos on a beautiful sunny patio, when, to your horror, your friend states the obvious. Now, this obvious statement can come in a couple different forms. First, it can be in the form of announcing something so obvious that even a blind kitten would know what was happening, such as “You finished your drink” or “Your shirt is fuchsia”. Obvious statements can also be in the form of repeating the last statement you just said. “Dude, mojito’s are delicious”, your friend “mojitos ARE delicious. ” Either way, these closed-ended obvious statements are conversation killers, leaving you awkwardly wishing your drink was not finished.

The solution:

One sure fire way to open the conversational door that obvious statements slams in your face is to use one liners. Hilarious one liners, may we add. We find the best way to do this is to summon the power of Sean Connery, the international man of one line quips, best seen in the  draction (drama action) movie ‘The Rock’.

For example: You and your friend are discussing last nights sporting event. Both of you watched this ‘event’, both of you know what happened, but your friend still states the obvious “Germany lost that game.”

To which, using your best Sean Connery impression (we advise stuffing your mouth with 5-7 marshmallows to get the perfect S.C. accent) quote one of his immaculate lines from the Rock:

“Losers always whine about their “best”! Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”

Or, if someone says “you are really between a rock and a hard place” after you stated that, in fact, you are between a rock and a hard place, just look at them, stuff your face with marshmallows and reply:

“Welcome to the Rock”