Got a Sitch #3 – Don’t speak! We know just what you’re saying.

18 08 2008

1) you are talking about someone and don’t realize that person is standing behind you.

The soloosh depends on how much detail you’ve gone into. If you were just saying something general like “You know who I really can’t stand? That Lester von Shottenberg the Third.” then you can get off the hook with a simple “Oh, you thought I was talking about you? I was talking about another Lester von Shottenberg the Third. What a douche bag!” Of course this is much more effective if your friends have common palendromic names like Anna or Bob or Otto.

Perhaps, you didn’t stop there, and went into more detail about your dislike for Lester von Shottenberg the Third. “Can you believe he tried to pass off some Australian swill as port? Everyone knows that the only acceptable port comes from the Douro Valley in the northern provinces of Portugal. What a poseur!”

The only way to get out of this is to step up the insults to a preposterous level and then turn around and exclaim “You got PUNK’D Bra!!” We advise you to be less annoying than Ashton Kutcher when doing so, lest you get into further awkwardness.

2) you part ways with someone, for example after getting off the elevator when leaving work, then realize you are both headed the same way.

The soloosh: Goodbyes are contractually binding statements and must be treated as such. After you have said goodbye, you can no longer speak to each other, and must treat your elevator companion as a leprotic David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

3) you respond to someone who you think is talking to you, then realize that person is on the phone.

The soloosh: Assuming you don’t know this person, and are walking along a city street, then you have two options:

1.Pretend that you are also speaking into an earpiece. This will make you appear very very important, so it is essential that the next things you say include the words forthwith, heretofore and thusly. To cap it off, end with the phrase “I’ll shuffle some things around and pencil you in for next Wednsday. I’ll have Enrico give you a call.”

2. If you’ve said “Hello” to the person, then this provides a nice segue for you to act as if you were singing that popular Lionel Richie song of the 80s. You must now make this song part of your regular morning walk to work routine, until you become known as the Lovable Lionel Richie Singing Man, everyone’s favourite Street Crazy. It is indeed you he’s looking for!


    Situation #31 – You just don’t get it

    15 08 2008

    The situation: You and a friend are discussing the poetic nuances of the latest Pussycat Dolls hit, “When I grow up.” You assert that rhyming “nameless” with “name is” is nothing short of lyrical genius. Your friend counters that the words “genius” and Pussycat Dolls should not be used in the same sentence without the inclusion of the words “lack of”. You agree to disagree and move on to other matters of great importance.

    Somewhere in the midst of this conversation, your friend casually tosses out a rather controversial statement, assuming (incorrectly) that you share her opinion on a divisive issue.

    “Of course pirates are totally cooler than ninjas. You know how it is, right?”

    Tread carefully here, Reader! Do not fall into the trap of the rhetorical “you know how it is, right?” This is not an invitation for you to explain that actually, you have no idea how it is, and in fact, you disagree entirely with everything she’s just said. The only socially acceptable answer to a rhetorical “you know how it is, right?” is a nod of the head and an “mmm hmmm” or possibly an “Amen, Sistah!” should you choose to agree in a more emphatic manner.

    You don’t want to get into a whole debate about the relative merits of pirates and ninjas with your friend; you just want to escape from this conversational minefield with your loyalty to ninjas intact. However, you also don’t want to give your friend the impression that you totally agree that pirates are “totally cooler than ninjas.” This could lead to further awkwardness when your friend invites you to “Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Johnny Depp Wears Even More Eyeliner, Savy?” and you have to awkwardly decline. So, what do you do?

    The solution: When you don’t want to agree with someone and are too lazy to have the debate that will inevitably follow from your disagreement, the best thing to do is this: Change the topic with a smooth conversational segue into a piece of pop culture trivia.

    “Ah, speaking of ninjas, did you know that the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons was done by the actor who played Uncle Phil on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air?”

    Now, not only are you out of conversational hot water, your friend will admire your vast knowledge of early 90s television trivia.

    Situation #29 – the dessert

    4 08 2008

    The situation – You just charmed your way through the main course of a dinner party. People are intrigued by your hilarious insights on the difference between orange crush and fanta. Importantly, you made the appropriate amount of “yums” and “not even Martha herself could make this” comments about the dinner served, thus complimenting the host but not mocking them. Now, dessert time. Put in front you is what seems to resemble a steaming pile of warm barf. To many, this is the opposite of appetizing. So, what do you do when you have to eat the inedible?

    The solution – there are a few options in this situations, but few let us discuss those solutions that may appear helpful, but have dire consequences.

    1.) many will think saying “I am so full, I couldn’t possibly take a bite” will do the trick, however, this will most likely result in an never-ending back and forth of:

    “oh, come on, just try a bite”

    “but I am so full”.

    Getting out of this is more difficult than getting out of a “I know you are but what am I?” situation.

    2.) Many will also think they can be sneaky by claiming some of sort allergy to the barf-like dessert, but this is a solution only for Costanza-like individuals: those that have the superhuman ability to keep a lie going on for years…and years.

    So, the best solution is:

    Suck it up and take one tiny bite. Do the mandatory inquistive yum. Then, look at your host and ask “This is great, does this dessert, perchance, have any flour in it (or insert any obvious ingredient)?” The host will respond “why yes, dear dessert eater.” To which you respond: “Oh. Well it is so so delicous, but I recently made a promise to myself. And that promise was to only eat fair trade flour. You see, those poor flour-workers have such terrible work conditions, immune and gastrointenstional problems from their work, that I have made a vow to only eat fair-trade. I’m sorry, but perhaps you could give me the recipe? So Delicious!”

    Now, you come across as noble because you care about those poor flour workers and you have not insulted your host by refusing to ingset the barf-like substance in front of you. Success!

    Note: this solution will most likely not work if you are dining with hippies because everything will be fair-trade and organic.

    Situation #27 – The ‘surprise’ costume party

    30 07 2008

    The situation: It’s Saturday night and being the popular beast that you are, you are headed to a party. Before leaving your house, you go over your typical mental checklist : shirt is pitter-proof, no accidental hole in the crotch of your pants, and you have some hilarious facts about David Hasselhoff on the ol’ mental shelf, should that come up. You also make sure that you arrive a stylish 30 minutes late. Seems like you are set to avoid anything awkward, right? riiight?

    You enter the house and take a look around. Something seems strange. Everyone is dressed up in Shakespearean era costumes. How doth you forget…the party was a costume party.

    The solution: There is one solution that will save your un-costumed arse without having to pull out the lame “the dog ate my invitation” excuse. For a costume party that is set in a specific time period, be it a Shakespearean era party or a star trek era party (although, who would ever forget the chance to dress up as Jean-Luc Picard and sip on some Romulan ale?), you have to confidently walk around the party, perhaps humming some Huey Lewis and the News, asking people if they have seen some crazy looking scientist who often exclaims “Great Scott!”. People at the party will initially be confused, but keep going. Perhaps throw in some Delorian references and talk about a certain clock tower. That’s rights, you came to the party as Marty Mcfly, time travellin’ from 2008, which explains your modern day attire.

    Note: if you are a hipster, this excuse works even better because you are more than likely to be dressed in an outfit similar to that worn by Marty McFly circa 1985 (the oj time travel year) or, if female, that hot little legging-ed number worn by his main squeeze, Jennifer.

    Situation #22 – Nothing to say

    9 07 2008

    The situation: You’re with a group of people, who all seem to know everything there is to know about carbon nanotube windmills. Huh? You have little conversation to offer and you can’t even think of any questions to ask. Time is dragging on: you feel as though you have had a slightly frightened look of puzzlement on your face for at least three weeks. What do you do?

    The solution: Grab hold of any word someone says and use it to jumpstart story-time…about your awesomeness. “You know, those nanotubes remind me of the time I was surfing, it was tubular.”

    Don’t have a good story? Well, just make it up; however, we advise to not tell a story about adventures based off a television show. Someone may have seen that episode of Perfect Strangers when Larry and Balki become invincible (alas…it was all a dream). Need a fake name for your story? Just look around you, pick the first thing you see and then add man. Now you have a valid last name. “Oh, my old friend Terry Phoneman, “I was palling around with Dan Brandyman”. Gold.

    Situation #21 – Hey, that shirt is on backwards

    6 07 2008

    The situation: You’ve just spent the day being important. Shaking your important fist, shooting out important stares, and strutting your important strut. Then, you realize that your shirt was on backwards all day long. Even worse, it was inside-out. Other varieties of this mishap can include: a mismatched buttoned shirt, mismatched socks (or shoes for those of us less fortunate), or the dreaded toothpaste mustache.

    The solution: The only way to get out of this shit-uation is to make the backward shirt (or other clothing malfunction) a fashion trend! Wear you shirt backwards for the next week. Salute the glory days of Kriss Kross and those little buggars makin’ us want to jump (jump). Watch this trend catch on. You are the next Coco Chanel!

    Situation #20 – The sidewalk shuffle

    4 07 2008

    The situation: On some sidewalk somewhere right now, there are two people experiencing the awkwardness of the sidewalk shuffle. The sidewalk shuffle you say? Well, picture yourself humbly sauntering down a sidewalk. Then there appears another humble saunterer, coming in the opposite direction. You both walk in your chosen direction, but end up on the same sidewalk spot, needing to get around each other to continue with your walking. You attempt to do the side-walk (on the sidewalk, get it?) and shift over to the left to move past this person, but, oh no, this devious creature has done the same! No problem, just move to the right side to get around the walker. This person must be related to Miss Cleo, they also just moved to the right side ,as if they could read your mind . This goes on until it is like you are doing some sort of perverse mirror dance from the 80s with your fellow walker. So, how do you get out of this unplanned disco move?

    The solution: There is only one way to get out of this awkward situation, and that is to call a spade a spade. Assume a middle sidewalk position, and with some enthusiastic jazz hands say to the person :  “Thanks for the dance!” and then blast past them. For added effect, chasse your way away.