Got a Sitch #1 – Drunken Friends and Battle of the Bands

Wait awkwardly no more, readers! The “Got a Sitch?” page is a resounding success! Dear Abby even wrote in asking us to cease and desist. But we are too loyal to our readers to do any such thing. Today we are posting the first solution (or soloosh as the kids say) to a reader sitch. Stay tuned for more, and keep those sitches comin’.

hey! i had 2 suggestions for you.
1. When you are out with your parents or family and run into a drunk and rambunctious group of your friends. AWKWARD. this also works if you are drunk and forced to meet important people.

Soloosh: The Ann Landers in us wants to tell you to get some damn sober friends! Are these really the type of people you wish to associate with, young lady? Remember, you are judged by the company you keep. It’s always prudent to foster a favourable impression with those who may one day have to help you with rent.

However, as your drunk friends we offer you the following advice:

1. Make slurring the new slang! In order to convince your parents that your friends are not really drunk (or crunk, for that matter) you will have to incorporate their slurred speech into your new vocabulary. Next time you answer the phone, instead of asking your friends “whazzzz up?”, ask them “shooooooooowsiiiiiiiiiiiiit goinnnnnnnnnn braaaaaugh?”

2. Blame your friends’ behaviour on rap music. Fiddy Cent (or Fifty for the Pronunciation Police)’s official job in life is to be punished for our sins. He’s a modern day Jesus. Seriously. The guy’s been shot nine times. NINE TIMES!

2. When you start talking about how much you like the backstreet boys and realize you are in a group of spice-girl fans…..

To deal with this specific problem, we recommend that you break out into the Backstreet Boys’ infectious hit “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” including the patented dance moves. You know the ones we’re talking about, the limp Thriller-like wrists and zombie walk. This song and dance is so contagious that everyone else will be forced to join in, just like the chorus compels them to. “Everybody. Yeah-ah. Rock your body. Yeah-ah.” Before long, the only spice they’ll be interested in is cardamom!